I'm my own worst enemy and my very own whipping boy. I judge myself with WAY too much of a critical eye. Not only my looks, but my actions, lack of knowledge, and especially my mistakes. As a result I constantly struggle with self doubt which in turn leads to blockages. If you tell yourself enough that you are stupid, weak, or can't do it.....then you are and you can't.
I have many natural talents, but not the conviction to choose one and take it to the highest of levels. Therefore, I am always in the middle of the pack – again selling myself short when everyone (myself included at times) can see that I am plenty capable at being in the front of the pack. I call it laziness and lack of gumption...Whack! Whack! Take that whipping boy!Again laziness comes into play with my religious practices. I don't have NEAR the rituals that I should have. I acknowledge the moon phases, holidays and through a circle now and then, but I don't do it to connect with the divine anymore. I've fallen off the wagon and have been experiencing the dark side of the soul for awhile. Hence this work now. I've even been kicked right out of the Astral straight back to my soft body because of two things. 1) I was forgetting that it is the Soft Body and the Now that is the lesson – not the romping astral that can acquire unknown information. 2) There is more growth for me before I can experience more astral. Ptttthhhh.
In an attempt to feel emotion, I concentrate on it too much. Without warning, it all comes out in an overwhelming volcano of uncontrollable emotional vomit. From unexplained laughter about nothing at all, to inconsolable weeping – again about nothing at all. These emotions, though I've tried to put my finger on a trigger or reason, is an extreme mystery to me. The feelings are not strongly experienced, but the physical outlet is. I'm broken, huh? Yup. Damn-I'm broken. I view these outbursts as a weakness. Whack! Whack!
I'm argumentative and very opinionated. If I believe I'm correct, I will over spend energy debating just that.....even if the argument is trivial and not worth while.
I get irritated at the drop of a hat. Everyone was put on this earth to please me, and by god they had
better do just that! But it gets more interesting, because I should not have to waste my breath telling that person what I want – he/she should know me well enough (or read my mind) and just DO IT or NOT do it.
6 comments:
First, we are all too hard on ourselves. And, personally, I think everyone is 'broken' in some form or fashion. You don't feel emotions like you believe you should, I don't allow myself to feel emotions. Fear, maybe, is holding us both back. For you, possibly is stems to your childhood. But, regardless of what Hollywood says, not all of us get the chance or ability to feel pure passion/hatred (which I think are based from the same emotion). I've never had pure, unadulterated lust, nor have I wanted to chase someone down and beat them to a bloody pulp, then keep going. I seriously doubt half the human population has experienced these, except maybe erotic romance writers. ;) So, you're more normal than you think...or even want to be. :-D
Too true. Thanks! However...define normal....(this could lead us to yet another discussion of society and 'sheeple'). I've never really been one to follow the crowd - I march to my own beat, really. Guess really the ideal here is to acknowledge those things in us that we may find as a weakness - accept them as ourselves - and use them for greatness.
True about acknowledging our weaknesses and accepting them, but when I say 'normal', it isn't from a social point of view. Social normal is by no means normal for anyone. I mean, people in general. When we get down to the root of humanity, everyone has doubts about themselves and very few of the lucky ones (or unlucky, depending on your point of view) have experienced true, unfiltered or diluted emotion.
RE 'broken feelings' I believe fear is true...to a point. I don't like pain..don't like to hurt. That I think is part of it -- fear of putting yourself out there and giving someone ammo to hurt you. Some of it though is, I just don't understand it....I'm ruled more by my head than heart. I don't think this is a bad thing, for I know emotions that are 'unfiltered' are energies wasting and dangerous because if you are ruled too much by the heart, you are not making clear decisions. Thus, my conclusion, we are not 'broken' at all, we just are April and Summer. We are balanced in heart and head...not too much one way, not too much the other. Just our personalities....yes?
Sounds like a life lesson to me....
I totally agree. Our personalities....and one of life's pesky lessons. Another way we need to accept who we are. lol
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